A SAOA story
by General Yankee Doodle
Summary: A friend of mine literally wanted a SAO fanfiction but didn't want to put the work into it. Of course I am kinda stealing some stuff from the Abridged series because I like how they handled it better but I only plan on doing it for some of the more earlyer stuff that is blanket and have my characters probably not even run into the main people of the show.
1. Chapter 1

It's the day of Sword Art Online's launch and Arwen level grinds to get use to the controls as he waits for a friend to long on. Her screen name is Katie and Arwen has known her for many years but never actually spoken to her because they met on the internet. She finally longed on.

"Sorry, it took a bit longer to get home from school today." Katie said. "That's ok. It gave me time to advance a few levels. You do the tutorial yet?" "Nah, someone kidnaped that... what do you call it?" "NPC." "Right." "So for starters this is how you open up the menu."

Arwen showed her the basics like how to equip items, the leveling system and a few other things. He then showed her how to add people to your friend's list and then they formed a party. Then when showing her how to log out they saw it was blank.

"It's supposed to be right there." He said while scratching his head. "Maybe it's a bug." Then they are teleported to the center of town along with everyone else. They hear someone sarcastically telling another guy that something is called a hexagon and that the sky is bleeding.

"Ladies and gentlemen. I am Kayaba Akihiko, head programmer. Welcome to the unparalleled online experience that is... **Sword Art Online"**

 _The players begin to chat amongst themselves_

"Hello, hel-hello. Um, hello! People! Kinda talking here. Focus."

 _The crowd continues chatting_

"Kay, I'm just gonna go ahead and disable general chat h-" _(accidentally mutes himself)_

 _Kayaba finally realizes he muted himself and unmutes himself_

"Alright, I just realized what happened there. It's very funny, but right now, serious time. How many of you have seen Tron?"

 _(the crowd is silent)_

"Eh? Eh? What, seriously? None of you have seen Tron? Sh*t, I was really banking on that. Okay, okay, no problem. I can wing this." _(clears his throat)_

"Much like the World of Warcraft, none of you are here by choice anymore. Unlike WoW, however, you are being held here by me, not by your need to escape your empty f**king lives. There is no longer any way to log out of Sword Art Online." _(he taps the logout panel on the menu, where the logout option was missing)_ "If someone on the outside attempts to log you out by removing your Nerve Gear... Well, has anyone seen Scanners?"

 _(once again, the crowd is silent)_

"Scanners. It's a movie that- Seriously?" _(a bunch of panels circle around Kayaba)_ "Okay, give me a sec." _(he opens even more panels)_ "Alright, here we go. Watch this."

 _Kayaba opens a panel that shows a video of a man's head exploding, and pauses it after the explosion_

"Okay, **that** was from Scanners. And basically that."

 _the crowd gasps_

"Okay, finally seeing some gears turning. We're making progress."

"Why would you do such a thing?!" Says a currently unknown person.

"Steven? Steven, is that you?Steven, how are you enjoying that advanced copy?"

"I'm playing with my family!" Steven Repys

" _(laughs)_ Ah haha, that's right. Happy birthday, Timmy!"

 _Timmy is heard crying_

"Ah, they grew up so fast. Cherish these moments, Steven. Cherish these moments."

 _(A model of Castle Aincrad appears)_ "So as I was saying, the only way to keep the Nerve Gear from going all Gallagher on your grey matter is to make your way through Castle Aincrad and beat Sword Art Online."

"So you want us to beat an MMO?" Another person asks.

"Essentially."

"F**k you!"

"Woah, getting a lot of hostility here. Don't appreciate it."

"Well honestly, when was the last time you heard of someone beating EverQuest?"

"When was the last time you heard of someone _playing_ EverQuest?"

" _(short pause)_ That's fair."

"Anywho, for all you guys who wanted to play as girls, and you know who you are, well, I've got a surprise for you."

Arwen and Katie now look like they do in real life. Arwen with blue eyes, blackish brown hair physically normal for a guy and Katie looks a bit more Hispanic.

"You're not a girl!" Says a fatty guy

"And you're not seventeen!" Says a guy who pretended to be a girl.

"I'm okay with this."

"Me, too!"

"Love knows no gender!" States some random guy.

"So Katie that's what you look like." Arwen states.

"Yep. You like what you see?"

"You look cute I have to admit it."

"As you can see, I have peeled away your petty facades and revealed you for what you truly are: Fairly attractive twenty-somethings. Apparently. Good for you. Kind of undermines the whole "cold light of day" thing I had planned. But, still. Way to break down stereotypes. Except for you, Fatty. Way to bring down the curve. Oh oh oh, one more thing, one more thing. I should probably mention if your health points reach zero, your real bodies perish as well."

"WHAT?" Some other guy asks.

"Ah, okay. If you die in the game, you die for real."

"WHAT?"

" _(a bit annoyed)_ Really? Okay. _(clears his throat)_ Sometimes, things are born. They live, and then they stop. Forever."

 _a short pause_

"WHAT?"

 _Kayaba sighs and plays the clip of Scanners from earlier_

 _the players gasp_

"Oh my God! If we die in the game, we die for real!"

" _(mainly to himself)_ Yeah, I'm just gonna keep that tabbed. _(to the players)_ And with that, I bid you adieu." _(begins to disappear)_ Oh, oh, oh, last thing. I swear. I disabled the profanity filter. Have fun with that."

 _Kayaba disappears into the red sky, in which afterwards a popping noise is heard as the sky returns to normal_

"WE'RE FUCKED!" States the fifth guy.

Arwen then pulls Katie aside and gets her out of there as quickly as possible. Then a few minutes later.

"Katie we need to level up as quickly as possible if we want to survive."

"How come?"

"Basically if you are stronger than everyone else around you and you have the best gear you are less likely to die."

"Ok. So when can we fu.."

"When we can afford to buy a house."

"Oh."


	2. Chapter 2

Arwen spends the next few weeks exhausting himself and Katie level grinding and getting better equipment. Well as good as you can get when you are stuck on the blasted first floor. With Kirito being the only player stronger then them.

"Can we please take a break I am exhausted?" Katie asked. "Yeah sure. I am hungry anyway and someone just sent me a group message. Let's teleport back to town." Arwen replied.

They sit down at the restaurant and wait for their food. Arwen then looks at the message and reads it. Katie walks her fingers up his leg. Arwen try's to ignore it.

"Apparently some guy named Diabel wants to gather some people together to fight the floor boss or something." "Do we have to go?" "I think we should go to the meeting and if we don't think we are skilled enough yet then we will just not show up to the raid. How does that sound?" "Ok."

Later at the meeting.

"Hey everyone! Thank you all for coming to our little pow-wow. Now, I know many of you may be discouraged by the fact that 2,000 people have died so far." Said Diabel

"WHAT?!" Said one person. "2,000 people?!" Said another. "It hasn't even been a month yet!" Said a third. "Oh, my God! We really are fucked!" Said either a fourth or one of the previous Random people.

"And I know even more of you are a little down because we haven't even cleared the first floor yet." Diabel contued. "WE HAVEN'T?!" Several people said. "I thought we were almost done!" Said one of the earlier people. "Uh, You guys do know there are 100 floors, right?" Diabel asked. "WHAT?!" Several Random people asked. "Oh Jeez, I'm just making things worse. Point is we found the boss room and with some help from the beta testers..."

"Beta Testers." Kibaou gripes "Oh Kibaou what do you want?" "Their the reason we're stuck in this game!" "Do you have any evidence to back that up?" "I don't need no evidence." "If I might interject." States Agil/Tiffany "And who the Hell are you?" "I am known by many names Mountain Slayer, Thunder Lion, The Chocolate Axe.

But you? You may call me... Tiffany." "T-Tiffany, huh? That's a... pretty masculine name." " _[deadpan]_ Shouldn't be. It's a woman's name." "...'Kay, I don't know how to talk to you." "Good, then you can shut up and listen."

"When will this be over?" Katie asks Arwen. "I don't know. I think you may have been right about this even though it is entertaining." Arwen responds.

"Does everyone have this book in your inventory?" Tiffany asks. "Yep." Said one person. "Got it." Said another. "No. Wait can I change my answer?" Said another.

Tiffany continues, "This book was written by the beta testers. Everyone read it but some people still died. The beta testers did everything they could." "I didn't read it." Said one person. "Me neither." Stated Another. "I skimmed it." Said Kirito. "What didn't any of you read it? It is literally a matter of life and death. 2,000 people are dead." Tiffany says. "They are." Several people say in shock for som unknown reason. "I am so done with you people." "What do you mean you people?" Kibaou questions.

"Now thanks to Mr. Thunder Chocolate we know where to start looking for a strategy to help us beat the first boss, Illfang. He is going to send wave after wave of disposable enemies at you and you are to answer in kind." Diabel starts to read. "What?" Asks someone.

"Send the weaker players first. Good rule of thumb, if a player asks you for gold two seconds after meeting you, front lines."  
"HA! Serves 'em right." Kibaou interrupts. "If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines." "Aw, shit." "If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines."  
"OH, BULLSHIT!" Yells one player.  
"That's discrimination!" Yells Another. "Boo!" And Another.  
"Now, now, people I think there are some valid points being made here. Now it says here that when his health drops into the red he will switch from his ax and bulkier to something called a Talwar and that's when we use something called the Final Solution ...aaaaand I'm just gonna stop reading. Jesus, who wrote this thing?!"

Arwen hears a laughing sound come from Kirito.

"Katie let's just get here. This looks like it's going to be a cluster fuck and I don't want to lose you." Arwen whispers. "About time." She responds.


	3. Chapter 3

So it's April now and several floors have been cleared. They still haven't helped out with clearing them because Katie doesn't "feel" ready yet. As of late they have been doing odd jobs to make money as they level grind. Also Arwen forces Katie to eat this odd plant to keep her mellow and be less horny then she is in IRL. It also helps level up her alchemy over time.

Arwen and Katie sit outside on a bench eating when some sobbing girl comes along.

"Your Arwen and Katie right?" "Yep." Arwen replied. "My name is Alicia and I was wondering if you could help me. I can't pay you much but you will be able to gain a lot of loot." "Whats the job?" "A female suprematist murder guild killed my friend with this ax." She hands Katie a Tomahawk. "What do you want us to do?" Katie asked. "I want you to kill them all with this ax. Take anything of value that belongs to them and keep it for yourself. Just let me know when the job is done."

So December rolls around and they finally track down this guild. They happen to also pick up several more jobs on the way who also want the guild dead. Alone they are not much, but together the jobs will make them a lot of money.

Arwen and Katie wait in a tree in a snowy night. They fire arrows that paralyze them. Then Arwen goes down and Kills them with the Tomahawk. All except for what looks to be the newest member. Katie comes down and helps Arwen tie her up.

"You don't look like you been in the guild long. What's your name?" Arwen Inquired. "My name is Kano and they just forced me to join. If I show you where their hangout is so you can take all of their stuff can I go?"

Arwen looked at Katie and they nodded in agreement.

"Yes you may."

Once there they let Kano go and they went inside to see what they could loot. The Tomahawk drew him to this one chest that was locked but could only be unlocked with Tomahawk. Strangely Katie can't see the key hole but he can. After unlocking it he sees a note. He reads it.

"By putting on what's in here you not only gain special combat skills but you also agree to become a unique class." "What's class is that?" Katie asks. "It doesn't say?"

He equips the coat and he receives a popup which states that he has just unlocked new skills and abilities like being able to use a Tomahawk and a Dirk at the same time. But he now must assassinate those who wish to harm weaker players. For him and those in the same party who are hunting down someone who has murdered several other players to steal their stuff or just to kill them they will not receive the penalty for killing the person. It also states he now has unique quests that let him train with his new weapons. Arwen equips the Assassin's gauntlets after he presses ok on the popup.

"Arwen let's finish looting and collect those bounties." "Ok just let me admire the coat. I always wanted an American Revolutionary war style trench coat."


	4. Chapter 4

It's now January, Arwen and Katie are now wealthy from killing that murder guild and Arwen is now compelled to save or avenge people when he can. Arwen has also ran out of this strange plant he has been feeding her to keep her collective and now she is a horny fucker again. She nags him as they head back to town after finishing a job to look for another.

"When we get back to town can we please fuck already? Pleasssssssseeeeeeee? Please Senpai?" "Katie, I told you after we buy a house." "Over Christmas we surely gained enough money to buy one." "I am pretty sure all of the houses are currently owned. We need to clear a floor first." "Please, look into it for me." "Fine but only because I like this floor." "Yay!" "But I need you to find us another job." "Ok."

Once in town they split up, Arwen to the town hall and Katie to walk around. It takes some time for Arwen to find the town hall.

"Hello how can I help you?" Asks the front secretary. "I am looking to buy a house." "Ok let me check to see if we have any left on this floor. Oh yes we have some but they are for guilds and couples. Are you a leader of a guild?" "No." "Are you married or plan on getting married?" "I'll get back to you on that." "Let me know if something changes." "Also can I have a copy of the prices?" "Sure." She hands one to him. The prices are steep but they can afford them.

Arwen returns to find Katie unable to find any jobs. "So are there any homes available?" "Yes but we are either going to have to form a guild or get married." "Uh huh." "Do you have any feelings for me still like when we were younger?" "Yes of course. Do you?" "Yes." Arwen gets down on one knee and asks. "Will you marry me?" "Yes!" Arwen gets up and they hug and then kiss. Apparently in SAO getting married has nothing to it other than sending a request.

They buy one of the nicer houses which happens to also be in the mountains. "Arwen why is it so cold?" "Love it's because it's a mountain and it's in the winter. Hey the trade off is the fact that we get extra privacy." "That's nice. It also kinda looks pretty. I wish my dog could be here." "Same. Hopefully we don't see Don Fluffles or his cunts." "Now let's go fuck." "Let's."


	5. Chapter 5

Arwen wakes up to see Katie still asleep. He brushes her bushy hair back and then kisses her head. He pulls her close to him and cuddles with her waiting for her to wake up. Last night they both had sex for the first time. It was interesting to say the least. Arwen thought in his head: Was it like that in real life? Eventually Katie did wake up.

"Good morning Sempai." She said as she wiped her eyes. "Morning Love." He responded. "I think I am going to enjoy this life." "Yep same here. Want some breakfast?" "Ok."

They both get up and put on their casual clothes. Arwen with his dark blue t-shirt and pants. Katie with her red shirt and black pants. They ate eggs and pancakes. They where pretty good since Arwen actually put some thought into his cooking skills. Not by normal level ups but instead by power leveling.

"So what should we do today?" Arwen asks. "Well I just discovered the location of some map that would lead us to some special equipment that I could get. That way we both have unique equipment." "That's a great idea. That way we can be a bit more balanced of a team. Let's head out after breakfast."

So they head out to the desert on floor 12. Arwen hates this floor. "Katie are we there yet?" "No not yet." "It's so hot. Why did they place this map in the middle of the desert?" "Now you know how I feel when you make me level grind on long quests." They eventually find a chest in the middle of the desert. Katie opens it to get the map.

"That was simple." She said in relief. "Now let's get out of here before we set off a trap or someone bad finds us." They head to floor 30 which was a massive cavern. "Of course it's on the booby trap floor." Arwen stated. "Oh it's not that bad Senpai." "Love, every chest, every barrel and every secret passageway leads to a trap here. It fuckn wiped out a guild of 20 people who were level 60." "Don't worry we are both level 85. It shouldn't be a problem." "Don't get cocky. Even if we do find it we need to figure out how to disarm the trap if we can. If not then we have to get ready for the shit show that we are about to experience." "I guess I will just have to hold on to you." "Good idea."

Once they find the secret room with Katie's new gear. They figure out that they can trigger one of the traps at a time so they can pick off the enemies instead of having to fight them all at once when they open the chest. "Katie you ready?" "Uh huh." The First one is triggered. Slaughternoghts are deployed. They fight through them. Once finished they trigger the next one. Murder Golems are deployed. They do this until all of the traps have been wiped out. Then Katie opens the chest.

Katie equips the new outfit without reading what it does and the binding contract that goes with it. The armor has a steel plate that wraps around her chest and back. It conforms to her breasts to fully protect them. Over it just below the breasts is a corset that looks like it ties it together. Her pants are made of leather. She has knee high boots with shinguards over them. Lastly she equips a trench coat similar to Black Rock Shooter's. With the star on the back and the hood.

"That stuff looks good on you but check out the stats." Arwen stated. "Let's see the equipment levels up as I do. But the BR Sword as this black Samurai sword is called is rather weak and will not become strong unless I take on a floor boss with it. Also it currently has a perk that allows it to do more damage to floor bosses in order to counter act it's current low stats and it will go away after the first boss we defeat with it." "Well it's been a long day. We'll try to clear the next floor tomorrow." "Can we do it again?" "Yes but I am just going to lay there because I am tired." "Ok." Katie grins with delight as they head back home.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day they learn that the assault team cleared the 22nd floor. So Arwen and Katie decide to instead of waiting for the 23rd floor boss to be located they where just going to do it themselves.

"So Arwen what do we do once we find the Boss Room?" Katie asks. "Since the assault team is probably resting we should probably try waiting for them. You know be those guys who are like: hey what took you so long, while drinking tea." "Funny. Well here's the dungeon."

After fighting NPCs for about an hour they start to realize that this was going to take awhile.

"We should have maybe recruited a lesser guild or two." Arwen stated. "Yep sometimes numbers help." Katie responded.

But then out of nowhere someone shouted "Oh Fuuuuucccckkkk!" "Simpai what was that?" "Sounds like someone needs our help Katie. Let's go."

They run over to the direction of the shout to find a group of about 20 people with mid level equipment trying to deal with a swarm of low level enemies and a mini boss. Arwen and Katie quickly go in and take out the mini boss giving the group the ability to take out the rest. The group leader who wore a all blue outfit along with a trench coat and hat, armed with a saber (a sword not a light saber) walked up to them.

"Hello my name is Ulysses, I am the leader of the American Expeditionary Force," he spoke in a western accent, "Thanks for saving us." "Your welcome, heh I figured Katie and I were the only Americans." Arwen replied. "We also happened to annex what remained of The Albertan Guild after half of them where killed off because of trap."

"A lot of people seem to be killed by traps." Katie stated. "We are still a small guild of about 50 people." Ulysses continued. "Where are your other 30 guys?" "10 are guarding our base and the others are running missions." "Hey we kinda want to clear this floor quickly and not in a month. So you mind teaming up with us?"

"Why do you want to clear this floor so fast?" "We want to join in a boss raid." Arwen said. "Hey maybe we could beat the boss together." "I know Katie and I have the stats but about you guys?" "Were around level 50." "Meh you guys are not at the level of the assault team but I think we can do it."

After a few hours they find the boss room. Katie equips her new sword and they all prepare to go in. "You all ready?" Arwen asks. "Yep." The rest say. The doors open and they go in to see a dead horse and a old man NPC starting to dig. The doors close, it starts to rain and gets a little foggy but not to bad. Then Arwen notices the horse and the old man is in a stone circle. "Guys I think I saw this in another game." Arwen states. "What game?" Ulysses asks. "One from 2004, but I forget what it's called."

Then some black magical blobs form and suck the old man an horse in to a big blob of blood. When it's over what replace both was what looked like a Undead centaur with bone spear arms. "Fuck it's the Nucklevee and I remember what game it's from now: The Bard's Tale. Everyone disperse and don't let it charge at you if you don't have a high damage resistance. Also I need to tag out so I can swap my Tomahawk for a Sword." "Since when do you have a sword?" Katie asks. "It just a basic level 60 sword. I keep it on me just in case someone challenges me to a duel and I cant use my Dirk. A Tomahawk is shit defensively without a Dirk or Dagger." "Ok but hurry up."

The Nucklevee charges at them several times but they dodge it. They all take turns slashing at it. Once Arwen equips his sword he starts doing spinning attacks that can only be done when holding a sword normally and a smaller secondary weapon in a reverse grip. This constant damage he does to it slows it down making the fight safer for everyone else. Katie's Black Rock Sword has also done a few critical hits as it's damage penalty against everyone else and NPCs vanishes. It takes some time but eventually they wear down its health and kill it.

"That was great." Katie said. "This should be enough to get us on the assault team. Hell it leveled us up. Thanks for your help." Ulysses then stated. "No problem, see ya next time." The AEF went and triggered the warp gate. Arwen and Katie went home and slept.


	7. Chapter 7

Arwen and Katie arrive at the war meeting for the next boss raid. Their first one with the assault team. Katie slept on Arwen's back on the way there. People were surprised to see them there but didn't say anything. They were just happy that Arwen and Katie were finally pulling their weight due to them being high level players. Arwen goes and walks around and eventually runs into Kirito.

"Hey look it's the best player in the game." Arwen states. "I am surprised that you of all people would recognize that. I mean especially with how you and your wife play." Kirito responds. "Dude you are the only player that has higher stats then us and you play solo. That earns you some respect." "Yeah I wish everyone was like that. I mean Heathclip thinks he's the top player. So what if you're the leader of the most powerful guild."

"Guilds have their pros and cons depending on your play style. I personally avoid them due to certain obligations. But I don't object to working with them." Arwen says. "Really." "Katie and I have been working with the AEF when ever a quest or job comes up and we need some more guys." "Hey look the meeting is starting!" Asuna yells at them to shut up.


	8. Chapter 8

Some time passes and they are at the 24th floor. Arwen and Katie over slept and were unable to make it to the boss raid. So they hang out and fuck. Then they hear that the game has been cleared.

"I promise I will find you in the real world." Arwen tells Katie. "Let's meet someone." "Where?" "How about Gencon." "Ok."

Then they log out of the game. Eventually they do meet up and get married IRL but that's a different story.


End file.
